The Lone Road To Freedom.

Been always thinking about a statement I once read in a book that went like “…The closest thing to freedom would still involve escape.” Honestly, nothing ever makes sense to me like this statement. I would spend nights wondering if I am just about to run away from something, myself, my past, a future I don’t want to wind up into, a community I can longer Identify with, or something more I am yet to discover. Life as it is truly lived would still prove persistently that escape is important as a way to freedom but I am not sure if the escape I want for myself, is the exact path to the freedom that will justify the effort to flee in the first place.

It is now about three years after leaving college and I have no idea what I will eventually do with my life, leave alone settling. And so one morning when a friend called and asked something about my social life and if by any chance I could be seeing a girl or something…I would quickly find an excuse not to get any further in that conversation and flatter him with everything that makes him feel good and forget why he had called. I suspect by these, someone would think I don’t exactly appreciate company, or friendship in its purest context. I do. It is only that I am so used to my solitude and with faith that that is the safest place I can be. A place where I can put my stakes and test my commitments. A place where no one is readily judging my motives and believing an opposite version of any good intention on my part.

While I still believe in the sincerity I heard in the voices of many people who would wish I would consider settling down soonest, I remained a reluctant skeptic, doubtful of my own motives, wary of expedient conversion to various versions of resolves I would make purely because someone almost convinced me. And I would eventually feel it seeing Sadik and many others we had graduated in the same year proceed forward by settling down right after college as if everything has fallen into place all too soon. Sure it can. I remember walking down the streets of DA ,on a day that I was particularly low and strolling was the best thing on my mind that evening , I would say to myself maybe I will meet someone who would tell me something that will make me feel just okay. A little white boy passed by me riding a bike a little too fast almost knocking a young couple headed in the opposite direction, the boy would fall by the roadside unconscious and lifeless. This is all that distracted that strain of thoughts in my head as I rushed to check him out. I would later find out that I was both distant and also attached to the community I lived in but of course not in a way of marrying a daughter brought up by it but because it is in this place that I first started to seriously think about my life, and weaved a different pattern of my life one that would suit the kind of things I would feel really mattered.

And so, for the days that followed I would keep thinking about that bad evening. I would imagine the little boy as a brother, with a future, and a place in the world, and what his life would have brought in terms of change. I for the first time felt I had lost something, something that reminds me of pain, in many ways, the pain I would suffer when, Betty asked me to stop calling her, the pain I would feel when I had to drop a course I loved because of eye popping fee structure. I imagined the pain of Jerry, an Italian, denied residence because of his race, and, language. I would see the pain of my other family in Kenya, butchered because they were from the other tribe, the pain of Akinyi, failing an interview because she couldn’t score it to have come from central or western. The pain of Shaban denied visa to US because he was Muslim. The pain of brothers and sisters in Syria butchered because they were Christian. And for the briefest moment I would begin understanding what it meant to belong. I would think of the shootings in Baltimore and wondered why there had to be pain everywhere globally. All of this was in my solitude.

The weekend after that found me still alone but with plans to head to the next city to see Jeff. I had met him in college, a tall black, African descent with a keen interest in coding and hacking. Its during this time that I first heard of the term hacking and that was just okay because anyway I was still growing up and I would later come into my own trying to relate to the harsh realities of life as it is truly lived. I would find Jeff extremely gifted and knowledgeable. But even so I was careful not to open up so much room that he would access my life and find out about who I truly am and stand for and even for the many ladies I would date whenever I could, I would insist with nerve and strength, to stay in their world and not mine and that was me those days.

And so Jeff calling was a pleasant surprise. I still wanted someone to share with about the pain I felt in my heart and as you would expect, maybe, not a member of the opposite sex, though I wasn’t sure it was real, or if it was formed by the events I would experience up to the day the little boy died, there was need. Yes.

Jeff was a really funny guy. We had faced hard days, and our shares of both success and failure in coding and projects, but no matter how great the challenges were or how difficult the projects, we had believed that everything was possible if you were willing to work at it and above all believe in it. Well, this doesn’t mean he was everyone’s’ favorite , he happened to be too short tempered and one day almost slapped the college principal but all the same I have always preferred a gentler portrait of my friend , Jeff. For everything we went through as friends I would remember today to put down something in my poetry book ( I was writing very bad poetry and generally sad journal that time) about Jeff.

And so as it is with life, we miss people who impacted us. On Tuesday, 24th April 2015 I packed my back bag and filled personal stuff, wired Angie at the bus station, exchanged a few things and bought her some chewing gum thanking her for helping me book a seat on the bus. It was 11:54:53pm the bus started, I put the ear phones in, tapped on the “play” Button and off I left for GA. I was alone again.

A NEW BEGINNING - MY THOUGHTS ON A SOLITARY NATION.

Behold, twenty fifteen. Its now three straight years after I left my job as a community organizer in DA. No matter how blessed I feel, how well things seem to go or work out, I cant find myself at rest,calm and content with life. I have not had enough time for reflection though and anyone sensible would easily allude this kind of feeling to that. Outwardly my life seems to have settled into a manageable rhythm, and, as always am prone to seeing other people as unnecessary distraction...I am so well wedded to solitude the safest place I know.

Years ago, I found out in solitude, was the only place I would stand not as a member of any tribe in our country, I would not be in solitude as a black or white man, educated or uneducated, low income earner or high income earner, tall or short, etc...in such a place i would be a true citizen in a real world as it is and not as it has been perceived. I learned that the system and our past regime, have given promises and made our people accept that someday there would be a bright day, a day in which they will be honored as citizens who shared in the battles , pains and blood shed that earned freedom to this country things that have remained a distant mileage and absent.

I suspect that I might find myself in trouble by writing such and am fully aware that i don't have a practical solution to the problems we face everyday. I know based on the empty promises we have lived with an illusive hope of a brighter day that will never come, lived within the framework and tyranny of politics that promise a haven to those ' who might not need' the politics that would have worked easily in a different place other than here, where we know and have not forgot the blood shade, the cold nights and scary screams of freedom fighters, the politics that doesn't create a common ground for us to breed and sprout as a free country. Instead, we need a different type of campaign that will not necessarily bribe voter with cash and empty promises but will offer solution to practical life as its truly lived.

Am writing this at a time when my country is at a transition , a real difficult transition period and although there are a few things which like most Kenyans i would point out as sources of pride, the truth remains, we still privately harbor doubts on this path that we have chosen for ourselves as Kenyans, maybe this will represent abandonment of a country's 'youthful ordeals ' a concession to the hard realities of money and power, the country as it is not as it should be.

I am aware that i am not anywhere close to a writer, or one that can put their thoughts on paper and confuse or convince a few people over a subject of their choice.I am careful to rely solely on my rights a Kenyan to speak my mind, in a well guided non offensive way. and, if you have been careful, my thoughts on this blog are not in any flow, its beyond my skills as a writer-to-be to clearly express all that i have intended to ,in so saying i don't think myself less of a sober person, excellent at a few honorable things,nervy and cunning enough to occasionally live by my wits careful not to expect to much but able to risk just about anything.

rationally speaking am not supposed really to write anything about this country political landscape and livelihood of people. after all I am technical person, handling and managing data,busy learning my fourth programming language and writing codes of programs in JAVA, C++,VB etc ,well conversant with inanimate objects and audacious to take up more in the field not long from now and I may not be in a public office where i would easily convene a press conference share my thoughts but i would like to point out in wide strokes that the kind of country we are in is at a place where the entire social ,political and economic structure ,the criminal ,the law,and the politicians are actually inseparable partners.

That said... I wish for her a solitary moment, a time of reflection, no matter how well the road infrastructure is being improved, the hospitals renovated,the money being pumped into counties , no matter how well things seem to be, i wish my country a kind of restlessness that will push her out to dream , to dream for a day where we will have true governance, where Kenyans will stand as true citizens not with a badge of tribe, sexual orientation,gender,origin,race etc on their sleeves but a badge of freedom well spelled portrayed in their lives as they are truly lived.

I will finish by just wishing her luck. Everyday is a new day.Its better to be lucky, may my country be lucky enough to progress and succeed at everything honorable.But i would rather be exact, when luck comes you better be ready , for if you miss, the tragedy of being trapped in retrogressive country is for you sons of Kenya, its yours 42 tribes of a united Kenya, its for you, city dwellers, village inhabitants, for you sons and daughters in the army and in the navvy....wish you a solitary time.

THE GOVERNMENT - Thoughts on Reclaiming Governance.

I had trusted my wits but this time round i was less sure if anything was in place. I am writing this at a time when I should be hanging out with a few friends trying to think through life and weigh on scales whether we making any contribution to this precious life but rather my restlessness, inner strength and anxiety pushed me home earlier than usual. You see, am prone to occasionally feel 'funny' feel like its just a matter of time and I will be leading people in discussions about their well being, our constitution and life in general, when such happens , usually I would be shopping and bump into someone, perhaps a janitor a cleaner or a smoker, looking a bit startled about changes in the economy but with practically no way out of the rat race and \i would give them a broad smile , one that suggests am friendly and we could talk and they would shake my hand and fee great, always leaving me feeling great too, and sure as day, such are days am so high into a rare form of restlessness, wondering how \i would organize inner city folks to believe i can fit into a political office someday.
Its now four straight weeks since I last shared with meaningful friends over a cup of tea about my ambitions to take up a political office someday. Those who have tried to do that will agree with me that it is not the easiest thing to do.It takes guts over fear to let people know that you could be a politician, especially when anything politics is attached to corruption and infringe on [privacy to peoples lives, and perhaps loss of attachment to family and loved ones as one disappears into a messy structure that hops his life from one TV show to another properly laden with the weight of feeling successful and yet unable to deliver to the satisfaction of the people they serve.At best anybody reasonable and perhaps successful at anything honorable will look at the 'politician' in question and conclude,they are only pimps who consider themselves wonderful and human but when you scratch the surface, you will see the attitudes, the evil intentions and selfish ambitions that disintegrates the true values that binds us together, in my opinion, unity, peace and our constitution.

Its from that line of thought that I would think of change.I had had an opportunity to work as a community organizer for a group of churches in low-income neighborhoods in DA, a job I enjoyed. I would think of who we call our leaders today and perceive that we had elected people who didn't see the things we see, the values we hold dear and the war we fight.I would see a group of people hungrier for power than you would think, a leadership whose limbs were giving way far quicker than they can care to notice. In those days, i thought about a new thing, I thought about a government with reasonable people, who don't judge us by our jobs, our color, our tribe, language, literacy and religion, \i thought about a government familiar with the pains that gave birth to the freedom we so much enjoy, I thought about a government that will think about the janitors \i meet in stores as well as the top medics and lawyers, a government that will give an opportunity to the street boy to take up math and computer science at a local university as well as sponsor a politicians son who is interested in jigger eradication.I thought about a government that thinks our constitution is the best place we know to equalize and be a people that are united.
In my conclusion as I put all my thoughts to paper I found out that in choosing, honoring and electing leaders who can form such a government we would have truly and blatantly honored and cherished the best in ourselves and our constitution and our values. as I continued to write i continued to hope and pray someone will write something more in support of my work and my thanks would be to wish him the best in life and urge him to live life to its crust.

Different Worlds

Apart from a few unrealized goals and persistent anxiety and restlessness, an attitude I had picked during my time as an organizer for a church organization, rubbing shoulders and chests with perceived achieving chaps-who I thought had had a lot in life accomplished; Anybody who’s been lucky and privileged enough to work around such environments would without hesitation agree with me that eventually it changes you up. To be blank with you, my life had rolled up into a manageable rhythm.

It was during those days I would settle into the comfort of my solitude, the safest place I knew. I would from time to time think or was fond of perceiving other people as unnecessary distraction. I was not at all afraid to mingle with others but my studies in college and harsh realities of money and power and the overwhelming ambitions had taken the best part of my time. In other words partying and dating wouldn’t find any place on my to-do list. I would on weekends though, meet friends, to make up time I had been away and try to get around issues that we shared, group work etc and that helped so, no one would think I was into ‘something like drugs’ for such fellows were known to owl the whole night and spend all time alone.

Akinyi Joined College perhaps two years my junior, dark complexion of skin, curvy and warm at heart or so I thought. By then I would work as an intern on a work study program to off set education loans that were mounting , fully engrossed into books and work I did really think anybody like her would be close to me, an incredibly sharp and outstanding student in sciences and math , you would have thought she was too a geek. Like any geek would go around such people, honestly I had to let her know I admired a few things about her, but in a safe way lest it swayed my attention from what I had treasured most; my studies and dreams maybe make her loose track too on her studies. I was then a full gentleman, self raised in harsh realities of life, having never gone out with a girl and always barely having enough money, having put trust in karma, my guts, God, believing I was hopping through dots that would someway connect.

During my last semester as a student, by then working on my coding project in college, a requirement to succefuly finish my course. I met Akinyi on a trip to the city of GA. I had been researching on something in line with my course, I had just killed otherwise relatively important things to do like, shopping and mixing with friends and chosen a non worn-out path, to research with other smart people in coding trusting I would return with the best software program. Anybody who knows GA will tell you it’s a big city and full of opportunities of varied ways. A friend had once told me, it’s the city which provides an intersection between the law, crime and politicians. In GA everybody is in ‘business’ at least it had a working economy of 24hr stature. Therefore meeting her at DC74 avenue, CITY POKER arcade ,floor 26 ,with a laptop and headphones, well matching with her purple top and tight blue jeans ,wasn’t a surprise, perhaps she came from GA, and was on holiday or running other errands here, a sort of code for hustling hard or she too was in ‘business’ which I would later learn it meant dealing in drugs in its absolute safety especially in GA where for every profit, you had to set aside maybe 10% for church, 20% for police, 10% for highway thugs, 10% for politicians and the rest for yourself, and so, people in business really were not as happy as I would think but were somewhat better off, having an opportunity to risk or learn risking their souls and lives on streets of GA.

I would be so broke in college, my guts would easily challenge me to try business in GA, for a few days I would fight off the temptation and somewhat felt weak in morals with my ever increasing desire for love that daily seemed elusive but within reach always, I just maybe needed a few dollars and I would be ready for ‘business’ and love. Akinyi almost knocked me down! Walking so first, she would pump into me and I held her to avoid a collision. “Oh Tim, what brings you to GA? “ “am shocked to see you here, you know I like you, I think you are a good enough guy, but why you want get into a dirty city” I knew exactly what she meant by saying I was good enough…..I had been seeing her in college for sometime and we would really spend evenings together maybe behind the soccer pitch chatting and writing away on our laptops. That was six months back. Today she’s changed completely fitting into GA life and here at the corridor she’s shocked to meet me here…(somehow it hadn’t ended) “hmm, I didn’t think it a bad idea” I responded with a wink. “ Well my parents moved here and if you don’t mind I can take you home this weekend to see them” “ Oh yeah, that would be kind and considerate of you “ I responded a little bit excited.

Akinyi is this type of girl that’s almost always complicated. I couldn’t firmly believe she was true to her word and always that’s what had impaired our relationship. My time in GA was almost up, I had already met Bob and had my codes ready for editing the next week when I would get back. Her invitation to see her parents then struck out at a opportune time, because I had by then already run out of rent money and couldn’t afford a hotel. I didn’t too want to stay any longer with Bob, he wasn’t doing so well and ‘business’ wasn’t at the peak too. Feeling grown up, that Sunday morning I accepted to meet her at DC 45 area. “ ten minutes” I responded hanging up the call. A text message dropped into my phone. “ Already @ DC45 gemme hee” of course from Akinyi.

It had been a long journey getting here. It was a good neighborhood, a well to do family, several cars in the pack yard, a modern pool, a spacious living room. “feeeel freee, here Tim” Her mother said. When I looked around the room , I instantly knew the two of us were in different worlds, pictures of great liberals, industrialists, yoga gurus and scientist hang up on the wall, in one of those photos was her father with prime minister of Italy. Somewhere in my heart I had that feeling that it was an opportune time to push her away, if id stay I would wind up in her world.

Its three years now and am a couple of months out of college. “So tell me something Tim, It was a bad ending.” “Yeah, it was but you know being black meant I couldn’t date white ladies ““But she’s black ““True” I responded. “ Even if she is it couldn’t have worked!” Maya looked at me surprised. “Is she happy today?” “I guess , last time I checked she’s having someone and I have my organizing work.”

Keep Looking,Dont Settle Yet...

David asked me if am crossing over anytime soon,i would pretend not to have understood him till he would say, I simply asked if anything is changing in your love life...hahaha.. This question came or comes at a difficult transitional time in my life, i had just finished studies in computer engineering ,a few months out of college and getting intimately acquainted with the prevailing hard realities of power and money...i had worked on a work study program to offset some education loans,and as a young man in early twenties , living away from my parents,distanced from many things young people my age would freely enjoy..for some reasons, one, I was rather shy and the idea of me going out on a date was out of question, I rarely kept money any close, I just didn't have enough and I would do a general college life, just getting by on many things ,plus, my obsession with coding, blanketed me and kept me indoors mostly.That was fine,not boring..at least to a chap like me, restless and generally impatient with life, I only hoped i was not living into my parents failures...

Its 2013, March and David is my colleague, several years my senior, a little bit amazed and inquisitive of how a colored twenty-something like me ,doing several suits and wearing leather jackets, maybe handsome and all that would not talk about family, at least freely. Those free coffee evenings were not romantic at all, including today when he would just stare at me and he is like " I see you doing just fine, don't bash so much in life, try to settle down into a systematic rhythm, getting a cool fine ' babe' and live, sort of a code for saying you can move in together" " well , will think about it at a later date" I answered adjusting my belt. " young people of your age , love money and dislike responsibility, but you could be different" He offered trying to sound casual. I was already off, as far as I was concerned we were in different worlds and if I would entertain his talk I would eventually pattern life according to his world..

See, David isn't all that bad , I am only scared at how much he seems to be concerned about my getting "settled and domesticated" I had secretly conceded to the idea that perhaps he liked thinking about himself as a good guy but when I would scratch the surface it turns out he got some attitude toward people like me..people who are trying to see it differently , maybe holding on tighter on faith in God, well taught by circumstances and life about imperfections in them, still dreaming, somewhat conformed to their mortality..just like me, having worked hard, gone for all the trips, met many pretty girls but held back the urge to ask any out, hmmm, not bad at all just to stick to some principles you hold....maybe we were inwardly struggling, me and David, so i would somehow fall into his world and that was not working, including today...

I had not in any way forgotten about my limitations to every part of freedom I felt, I would easily settle if I wanted. Once or twice working with an african American had drawn me a little bit further into "settling down" than Id ever have imagined her, but I could not change myself, and someday we had a fight and I would push her away..again our worlds were different,I had a few long time obligations to think about, my education, my life, my fiances, a good footing in the world economy, some real office..all things about settling were to me thoroughly cockeyed! Well i had earlier failed, hurt badly at relationship, the kind of hurt that reminds you that life is not obliged to work as planned ,I had began to envy those succeeding at the same ,getting several things done at some point I arrived at an acceptance....

I accepted that our lives would be prettier if we dared live like its an adventure and not like a timetable,ticked every decade on some accomplishment....I accepted that the LORD guides us, we can still dream , we can screw up so badly but we can rise up again...that life can at times hit you with a brick in the head but that doesn't mean the same as loosing faith and generally giving up...I accepted that we can keep looking and looking and find what we love and that it was true to whom we love and our work...

to my tweny-something, there's more to life than 'settling down '. If you haven't found what you love, keep looking ,don't settle down, if you haven't found whom you love, keep looking ,don't settle....stay hungry, stay foolish.

Reality Is Freedom.

My friend *Daisy is sharp, wise ,warm and real. I wont forget a few things she wrote some time over a chat and that guides me to strike out this small talk or small nothing ...She said " Am real. Real is freedom.."

" Tim ,you so much changed brother!" " its not scary though" "hmm" "really?" I responded in text. It was my little sister. I cant tell whether am changed for real and how,looks like she can see a few things in me she didn't see some time back. Well, changes come and go, but what this could be and its nature, I am left to sit back and watch the space looks like pretty soon there's going to be a new me.A minimalist, ambitious, restless and maybe generally-impatient-with-life chap ,perhaps a misfit.I could read these things in my sisters tone, i could feel that in me as I read the text maybe she was right, I couldn't just live a lie, I could only be real and true to what I am.

I had watched Joel bring himself up as a committed christian, frequently in meetings and fellowship, changed a couple of friends, took over a different him and somewhat different personality, dropped some habits and became new,now we would talk less because maybe in some way I was stagnating his growth, well, at the time I could only hope the change stayed.

It had been some time now and I had reached my end, dissatisfied with a double life, hungering for reality of who i am and what I stood for and living that truth to the best of my knowledge. I secretly knew that in one way or another I had a lot in common with him, and that was the fact that we we desperate to live a changed life , and live it to the fullest.

But as life would be, giving a positive and a negative equally to different people in different situations, i would ponder on whether my life was a reflection some really bad stuff that happened when I was young or I would as well be living some failures of my parents or making up for their mistakes. it was pretty scary, I still wasn't real mark you.It turned out maybe I was fifth or so among those who grew up being held to benchmarks and standards set by someone else in an attempt to force me to conform to some ideal.All that made me think that maybe our guardians or parents had been constantly checking off boxes to make sure we were meeting those benchmarks. Well, Joels change didn't go far, i don't celebrate that, I only hoped it would have been a change that's believable, well perhaps he just found out he couldn't lie all that long or he socially couldn't fit in the ideals or something like a general failure at making socially acceptable choices.

I wish i would write for a year about this little nothing about anything close to what i Think is change...I will always look at it as freedom, that real change is getting back to the default, getting to the 'factory setting' maybe not really to live off the benchmark well set before but try to achieve something in your originality, something that touches you, the real you...that's the freedom,it can not be a million dollar thing but its worth working for, and that change is the greatest, the freedom and choice to live life on our own terms free from some incognito cocoon we wear.

Look...by that freedom, we can audaciously tackle challenges we meet as real people in a real world ,we can step on the ugly hypocrisy and see life in its real terms, we may never solve all our problems in that identity but we will certainly do more... Joel tried living a counterfeit him and failed, many of us, tried to live on the checked off boxes for our bench-marked ideals and failed, today as I write these i still see the tone in my sisters text, " Tim you are changed" " its not scary though" will you change? will you dream?

The Science Behind faith.

A few days ago, i went online to see if I could get some meaning to some statements I had heard a couple of years back when I was still schooling. It was that of the whole earth catalog, the stay hungry, stay foolish , as given by Steve Jobs at Stanford months before he passed away.

The reason i start it out this way is because, i feel strongly that faith is one substance that works regardless of whether everything looks, possible or impossible. In other words, the object of everything Steve Jobs discussed out there in that commencement was about "faith". Now i know it better as a born again christian, not as a wayward guy out in college by then doing drugs and and wallowing in immorality. i know it that faith is " Believing God, taking HIM for His words". I understand better what was going on in the mind of Abraham and Sarah, when news reached this couple to prepare for their first born. See that? Abraham literally formed in His mind the picture of a son born in His house. Why? God had said it so.

I vehemently refute and refuse strongly, the Idea I see passed across in churches in the name of faith. The planting of a seed also called "faith in action". When everything the preacher is talking about is giving and more giving, they will hate you for life if it were sadaka(giving offering) time and you start out this chorus: "Christ paid it all".

Do i dislike this for no reason? No. I believe that what you can conceive in your mind regarding your situation and believe it in your heart and focus on to that in such a way as you actually begin living it, results into that thing being done. Absolutely! No planting a seed is seen here. I had had a little Nokia phone for sometime now, and my friends would wonder why ( because of my status and position I cant buy a smart phone)to be frank with you, I had not even thought seriously about smart phones till i began to dream it first. In every text i would sent i would assume, I am actually sending it on my android 4.4.1 or something. I bought the phone first in my mind, used it in mind kept in mind. I proclaimed to myself that i own an android, till that day. In that day everything in nature worked out good for me that believed and and lived my faith till it became real and I won my android now.

just a minute, i don't have formulas that works for you but I know that faith is universal and its believing God for anything and may you receive according to your measure of faith( according to the size of your dream)