Different Worlds

Apart from a few unrealized goals and persistent anxiety and restlessness, an attitude I had picked during my time as an organizer for a church organization, rubbing shoulders and chests with perceived achieving chaps-who I thought had had a lot in life accomplished; Anybody who’s been lucky and privileged enough to work around such environments would without hesitation agree with me that eventually it changes you up. To be blank with you, my life had rolled up into a manageable rhythm.

It was during those days I would settle into the comfort of my solitude, the safest place I knew. I would from time to time think or was fond of perceiving other people as unnecessary distraction. I was not at all afraid to mingle with others but my studies in college and harsh realities of money and power and the overwhelming ambitions had taken the best part of my time. In other words partying and dating wouldn’t find any place on my to-do list. I would on weekends though, meet friends, to make up time I had been away and try to get around issues that we shared, group work etc and that helped so, no one would think I was into ‘something like drugs’ for such fellows were known to owl the whole night and spend all time alone.

Akinyi Joined College perhaps two years my junior, dark complexion of skin, curvy and warm at heart or so I thought. By then I would work as an intern on a work study program to off set education loans that were mounting , fully engrossed into books and work I did really think anybody like her would be close to me, an incredibly sharp and outstanding student in sciences and math , you would have thought she was too a geek. Like any geek would go around such people, honestly I had to let her know I admired a few things about her, but in a safe way lest it swayed my attention from what I had treasured most; my studies and dreams maybe make her loose track too on her studies. I was then a full gentleman, self raised in harsh realities of life, having never gone out with a girl and always barely having enough money, having put trust in karma, my guts, God, believing I was hopping through dots that would someway connect.

During my last semester as a student, by then working on my coding project in college, a requirement to succefuly finish my course. I met Akinyi on a trip to the city of GA. I had been researching on something in line with my course, I had just killed otherwise relatively important things to do like, shopping and mixing with friends and chosen a non worn-out path, to research with other smart people in coding trusting I would return with the best software program. Anybody who knows GA will tell you it’s a big city and full of opportunities of varied ways. A friend had once told me, it’s the city which provides an intersection between the law, crime and politicians. In GA everybody is in ‘business’ at least it had a working economy of 24hr stature. Therefore meeting her at DC74 avenue, CITY POKER arcade ,floor 26 ,with a laptop and headphones, well matching with her purple top and tight blue jeans ,wasn’t a surprise, perhaps she came from GA, and was on holiday or running other errands here, a sort of code for hustling hard or she too was in ‘business’ which I would later learn it meant dealing in drugs in its absolute safety especially in GA where for every profit, you had to set aside maybe 10% for church, 20% for police, 10% for highway thugs, 10% for politicians and the rest for yourself, and so, people in business really were not as happy as I would think but were somewhat better off, having an opportunity to risk or learn risking their souls and lives on streets of GA.

I would be so broke in college, my guts would easily challenge me to try business in GA, for a few days I would fight off the temptation and somewhat felt weak in morals with my ever increasing desire for love that daily seemed elusive but within reach always, I just maybe needed a few dollars and I would be ready for ‘business’ and love. Akinyi almost knocked me down! Walking so first, she would pump into me and I held her to avoid a collision. “Oh Tim, what brings you to GA? “ “am shocked to see you here, you know I like you, I think you are a good enough guy, but why you want get into a dirty city” I knew exactly what she meant by saying I was good enough…..I had been seeing her in college for sometime and we would really spend evenings together maybe behind the soccer pitch chatting and writing away on our laptops. That was six months back. Today she’s changed completely fitting into GA life and here at the corridor she’s shocked to meet me here…(somehow it hadn’t ended) “hmm, I didn’t think it a bad idea” I responded with a wink. “ Well my parents moved here and if you don’t mind I can take you home this weekend to see them” “ Oh yeah, that would be kind and considerate of you “ I responded a little bit excited.

Akinyi is this type of girl that’s almost always complicated. I couldn’t firmly believe she was true to her word and always that’s what had impaired our relationship. My time in GA was almost up, I had already met Bob and had my codes ready for editing the next week when I would get back. Her invitation to see her parents then struck out at a opportune time, because I had by then already run out of rent money and couldn’t afford a hotel. I didn’t too want to stay any longer with Bob, he wasn’t doing so well and ‘business’ wasn’t at the peak too. Feeling grown up, that Sunday morning I accepted to meet her at DC 45 area. “ ten minutes” I responded hanging up the call. A text message dropped into my phone. “ Already @ DC45 gemme hee” of course from Akinyi.

It had been a long journey getting here. It was a good neighborhood, a well to do family, several cars in the pack yard, a modern pool, a spacious living room. “feeeel freee, here Tim” Her mother said. When I looked around the room , I instantly knew the two of us were in different worlds, pictures of great liberals, industrialists, yoga gurus and scientist hang up on the wall, in one of those photos was her father with prime minister of Italy. Somewhere in my heart I had that feeling that it was an opportune time to push her away, if id stay I would wind up in her world.

Its three years now and am a couple of months out of college. “So tell me something Tim, It was a bad ending.” “Yeah, it was but you know being black meant I couldn’t date white ladies ““But she’s black ““True” I responded. “ Even if she is it couldn’t have worked!” Maya looked at me surprised. “Is she happy today?” “I guess , last time I checked she’s having someone and I have my organizing work.”

Keep Looking,Dont Settle Yet...

David asked me if am crossing over anytime soon,i would pretend not to have understood him till he would say, I simply asked if anything is changing in your love life...hahaha.. This question came or comes at a difficult transitional time in my life, i had just finished studies in computer engineering ,a few months out of college and getting intimately acquainted with the prevailing hard realities of power and money...i had worked on a work study program to offset some education loans,and as a young man in early twenties , living away from my parents,distanced from many things young people my age would freely enjoy..for some reasons, one, I was rather shy and the idea of me going out on a date was out of question, I rarely kept money any close, I just didn't have enough and I would do a general college life, just getting by on many things ,plus, my obsession with coding, blanketed me and kept me indoors mostly.That was fine,not boring..at least to a chap like me, restless and generally impatient with life, I only hoped i was not living into my parents failures...

Its 2013, March and David is my colleague, several years my senior, a little bit amazed and inquisitive of how a colored twenty-something like me ,doing several suits and wearing leather jackets, maybe handsome and all that would not talk about family, at least freely. Those free coffee evenings were not romantic at all, including today when he would just stare at me and he is like " I see you doing just fine, don't bash so much in life, try to settle down into a systematic rhythm, getting a cool fine ' babe' and live, sort of a code for saying you can move in together" " well , will think about it at a later date" I answered adjusting my belt. " young people of your age , love money and dislike responsibility, but you could be different" He offered trying to sound casual. I was already off, as far as I was concerned we were in different worlds and if I would entertain his talk I would eventually pattern life according to his world..

See, David isn't all that bad , I am only scared at how much he seems to be concerned about my getting "settled and domesticated" I had secretly conceded to the idea that perhaps he liked thinking about himself as a good guy but when I would scratch the surface it turns out he got some attitude toward people like me..people who are trying to see it differently , maybe holding on tighter on faith in God, well taught by circumstances and life about imperfections in them, still dreaming, somewhat conformed to their mortality..just like me, having worked hard, gone for all the trips, met many pretty girls but held back the urge to ask any out, hmmm, not bad at all just to stick to some principles you hold....maybe we were inwardly struggling, me and David, so i would somehow fall into his world and that was not working, including today...

I had not in any way forgotten about my limitations to every part of freedom I felt, I would easily settle if I wanted. Once or twice working with an african American had drawn me a little bit further into "settling down" than Id ever have imagined her, but I could not change myself, and someday we had a fight and I would push her away..again our worlds were different,I had a few long time obligations to think about, my education, my life, my fiances, a good footing in the world economy, some real office..all things about settling were to me thoroughly cockeyed! Well i had earlier failed, hurt badly at relationship, the kind of hurt that reminds you that life is not obliged to work as planned ,I had began to envy those succeeding at the same ,getting several things done at some point I arrived at an acceptance....

I accepted that our lives would be prettier if we dared live like its an adventure and not like a timetable,ticked every decade on some accomplishment....I accepted that the LORD guides us, we can still dream , we can screw up so badly but we can rise up again...that life can at times hit you with a brick in the head but that doesn't mean the same as loosing faith and generally giving up...I accepted that we can keep looking and looking and find what we love and that it was true to whom we love and our work...

to my tweny-something, there's more to life than 'settling down '. If you haven't found what you love, keep looking ,don't settle down, if you haven't found whom you love, keep looking ,don't settle....stay hungry, stay foolish.

Reality Is Freedom.

My friend *Daisy is sharp, wise ,warm and real. I wont forget a few things she wrote some time over a chat and that guides me to strike out this small talk or small nothing ...She said " Am real. Real is freedom.."

" Tim ,you so much changed brother!" " its not scary though" "hmm" "really?" I responded in text. It was my little sister. I cant tell whether am changed for real and how,looks like she can see a few things in me she didn't see some time back. Well, changes come and go, but what this could be and its nature, I am left to sit back and watch the space looks like pretty soon there's going to be a new me.A minimalist, ambitious, restless and maybe generally-impatient-with-life chap ,perhaps a misfit.I could read these things in my sisters tone, i could feel that in me as I read the text maybe she was right, I couldn't just live a lie, I could only be real and true to what I am.

I had watched Joel bring himself up as a committed christian, frequently in meetings and fellowship, changed a couple of friends, took over a different him and somewhat different personality, dropped some habits and became new,now we would talk less because maybe in some way I was stagnating his growth, well, at the time I could only hope the change stayed.

It had been some time now and I had reached my end, dissatisfied with a double life, hungering for reality of who i am and what I stood for and living that truth to the best of my knowledge. I secretly knew that in one way or another I had a lot in common with him, and that was the fact that we we desperate to live a changed life , and live it to the fullest.

But as life would be, giving a positive and a negative equally to different people in different situations, i would ponder on whether my life was a reflection some really bad stuff that happened when I was young or I would as well be living some failures of my parents or making up for their mistakes. it was pretty scary, I still wasn't real mark you.It turned out maybe I was fifth or so among those who grew up being held to benchmarks and standards set by someone else in an attempt to force me to conform to some ideal.All that made me think that maybe our guardians or parents had been constantly checking off boxes to make sure we were meeting those benchmarks. Well, Joels change didn't go far, i don't celebrate that, I only hoped it would have been a change that's believable, well perhaps he just found out he couldn't lie all that long or he socially couldn't fit in the ideals or something like a general failure at making socially acceptable choices.

I wish i would write for a year about this little nothing about anything close to what i Think is change...I will always look at it as freedom, that real change is getting back to the default, getting to the 'factory setting' maybe not really to live off the benchmark well set before but try to achieve something in your originality, something that touches you, the real you...that's the freedom,it can not be a million dollar thing but its worth working for, and that change is the greatest, the freedom and choice to live life on our own terms free from some incognito cocoon we wear.

Look...by that freedom, we can audaciously tackle challenges we meet as real people in a real world ,we can step on the ugly hypocrisy and see life in its real terms, we may never solve all our problems in that identity but we will certainly do more... Joel tried living a counterfeit him and failed, many of us, tried to live on the checked off boxes for our bench-marked ideals and failed, today as I write these i still see the tone in my sisters text, " Tim you are changed" " its not scary though" will you change? will you dream?